A New Beginning

Last week, I co-led the first of four retreats in CTI‘s Leadership Program. It‘s titled “Creating From Self” and focuses on reclaiming one‘s unique strengths, individuality and sense of purpose.

Gosh, how did it come to be “conventional wisdom” that it was a good idea to tamp down our incredible instincts, our passion, our appetite? Somewhere in the unfolding story of human kind, we became so enamored with “knowledge” and “knowing” that we became separated from the wisdom of our own heart, body and spirit. Our minds are an incredible thing…and the mind is only one part of wisdom.

In a thousand countless ways, we‘ve been “domesticated”; carefully taught to abandon our wildness and interesting uniqueness so that we could “fit in”. Fit in to WHAT I wonder. We‘ve learned to look outside ourselves for what is right and good; to be neat and tidy and stand in straight rows with our hands to ourselves.

It is such a joy to witness people breaking free of old limiting beliefs and reclaiming their aliveness…to watch the faces become brighter and brighter until each one is ablaze with life. It‘s one of those experiences that words fail to express.

To that end, I offer you one of my favorite writings from Bendictus:  A Book of Blessings by John O‘Donohue. For more by John O’Donohue you can visit www.johnodonhue.com.  This particular blessing is titled “For a New Beginning”, © John O‘Donohue. All rights reserved.

This blessing speaks to my heart about the magic and promise of the new beginning of a journey into one‘s own leadership.   KKH

For a New Beginning

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety,
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life‘s desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

~ John O‘Donohue ~

On Marriage

May 20th (the day that I am writing this post) is my 15th wedding anniversary. Yep, it‘s been 15 years since I waltzed out into the sunshine at the top of a mountain and said “You Bet I Do”.

I was 41 years old as was my husband and neither of us had ever been married. The wedding was titled “The Miracle Wedding” by both our families as everyone on both sides had  long ago become resigned to the fact that neither of us would ever be wed as we were each too much of a pain in the ass for someone to live with for very long.

When I fell in love, I felt taking out a spot on national TV, “Women of America. There is hope for you all. Karen Kimsey is in a SUCESSFUL relationship!!!” Given my track record it was indeed a “miracle”.

All my life, I had been told by that I was just TOO. Too Intense. Too Emotional. Way Too Much To Handle. Beginning with my genteel southern bell of a momma and cycling through any number and variety of men, folks had been telling me to sky down and learn to be  more demure since I could TALK.

And then I met Henry. He listened to me as if it mattered. Questioned deeply into what I said.   Flatly refused to accept anything less than my most authentic self. Challenged me to stretch, to grow, to reach into more authenticity, intimacy and responsibility in my life. For 15 years now, no matter how searing, how difficult or how confronting, my beautiful husband has demonstrated over and over again his willingness to stay in the conversation. To look deeply at his own patterns and to insist that I look at mine. He‘s challenged himself to grow and become more open, more gentle, more loving. What a gift it is to be married to someone who is really and truly willing to show up and to do the work of intimacy.

It‘s been a heck of a ride. Ours is just not a “quiet” kind of love. Our marriage is sometimes intense and often challenging. There is love, passion, anger and everything else in between. It might not be the right thing for someone else and it is a great fit for me…a river wide enough and diverse enough for me to splash, dive, swim under water with my eyes open, jump off of cliffs and generally make a big ruckus.

We human beings come in all different shapes and sizes and with all kinds of different scripts and needs already programmed. It truly is a miracle when we can find our way to one other and build a life together of aliveness and joy. I am most blessed.
KKH

Diving for Pearls

Karen Kimsey-House departed the CTI office to lead back-to-back Leadership Retreats just as Marcia Norris returned to the office from an adventure in learning. So, Marcia is guest blogging her thoughts this week to give Karen a break.

On my second day of surfing, the swells were larger than day one: thigh to waist high compared to knee high. The waves in each set were fairly close together and the sets rolled in rapid succession. Pretty lively conditions if you know what you are doing, which I did not. The day was a wash, literally. But if you look at it right you can learn a lot even from a wash.

Our SwellWomen instructors were setting us up in position two and three at a time to take advantage of the wave sets. I just focused on the instructions being shouted at me and took off ahead of the first wave of a set, listened for the “up” shout, and promptly pearled–short for ’pearl dive‘. My weight was too far forward on the surfboard which buried the nose in the water. There is no controlling a pearled board and I got tossed off and went under just behind the break.

7:20 am: surfboards and beginner breaks at Guardrails, Lahaina, Maui, HI.

But a 12 foot longboard is very buoyant and mine was still on the surface caught in the whitewater and heading toward shore without me–but only for the split second it took for the length of the leash to run out. A leash connects the tail of the surfboard to your ankle as a safety measure so if separated, the two of you have a chance to find each other in the water.

But reuniting with my board would have to wait because I was on my back underwater being pulled rapidly toward shore by one ankle. Laughing to myself the whole time, I should add, because despite being rolled I was having a great time. After a little kicking and maneuvering I got to my feet in chest high water and reached for my leash. Too late. I turned just in time to see the second wave of the set bearing down on me: I was standing in the impact zone without control of my board.

The only choice was to suck in the biggest breath I could and go with it. Being worked over by whitewater is described as ’getting maytagged‘–as in washing machine. I moved much quicker this time to get to my feet, grabbed my leash, pulled hard, and got my arm around my board. But the sets were tightly spaced and wave three hit me, ripped away my board, and took me under yet again.

I wasn‘t scared but also not laughing anymore because three times under with very little breathing in between was enough fun for one day. I just focused on achieving a safe position ON my board because wave number four was right there ready to destroy. Highly motivated at this point, I dragged my board to me and pulled myself up onto my belly, holding tight to the rails (sides of the surfboard). The whitewater of wave four pushed me out of the impact zone.

A bit of rest onshore was in order. The whole experience lasted two or three minutes total, but pounded most of the energy right out of my body. That day may have been an adventure in a washing machine, but it was on gentle cycle. I learned that the safest place to be is on your surfboard. If you are not on a surfboard your only thought should be getting onto one.

I‘m really glad I had this experience on my second day of surfing. The starter success and fun from day one was enough to know that I wanted to keep learning so making this rookie mistake on day two reminded me to be in the moment when on the water. The safest topic of thought while on a surfboard is surfing. I‘d have to let go of thoughts of everything else.

Where is your favorite place to be living in the moment?

Wind and Current and Waves, Oh My!

Karen Kimsey-House departed the CTI office to lead back-to-back Leadership Retreats just as Marcia Norris returned to the office from an adventure in learning. So, Marcia is guest blogging her thoughts this week to give Karen a break.

Completely out of the blue about a year and a half ago I decided I wanted to learn how to surf. Not just ’take a surfing lesson,‘ but Learn How To Surf. Ambient ocean temperatures off the coast near my home in Northern California range from low to mid 50s Fahrenheit year-round, so my search for a warmer learning environment took me to Lahaina, Maui, Hawai‘i for my birthday.

How surfers are born: (l to r) Me-shell, Valerie, Lynn, Ruby, Marcia, Erin, Rachel, and Cat.

I was genuinely ready for a vacation and feeling excited to get out of my head and into my body for a change. For one week I rejoiced in the sand and salt with a group of adventurous SwellWomen on a surfing and yoga retreat. What I didn‘t expect was that my experiences in the water would correlate to things on my mind out of the water.

As a never-before-surfer I hadn‘t considered that I‘d need to monitor multiple variables simultaneously to achieve a successful surfing venture. The moment you step into the ocean you are entering not just water that rolls, but an environmental system that is driven by kinetic energies in the form of wind and current and waves. Successfully cooperating with those inherent and fluctuating energies is how surfing works.

In the coaching world we often focus clients (or ourselves) on pursuing goals and completing tasks to get ourselves moving toward said goals. Sitting in the water out past the breaks I began to recognize the patterns in surfing as a physical representation of the challenges and forces in life that surreptitiously challenge the position we need to hold in order to achieve the success we seek.

I learned to pick a landmark onshore before paddling out, then aim for that point of reference on the way in. But it‘s not enough to keep your eye on your landmark, you also must watch the horizon to identify the wave sets coming in. Let me be clear: your landmark and the horizon are in opposite directions from each other.

If you focus your attention on your landmark alone, all the waves will sneak up from behind and pass you by. Once a wave arrives where you are, it‘s too late to ride it. If you focus all your attention on the horizon, you are likely to discover too late that current and wind has pulled you out of position. You might get up on that wave but heading toward shore down current or down wind of your landmark could put you in the shallows or on the rocks.

The trick in surfing is to use all your powers of perception and spatial awareness to track your landmark onshore, watch the wave sets coming in, and adjust for invisibles like current and wind. This allows you to find and hold a desired position among the breaks so you are ready to catch and ride a good wave. In life, we need to learn to use all possible powers of awareness to get our bearings relative to our goals. We know there are surreptitious forces, unexpected circumstances, and people who can affect our “position.”

If you are working toward a goal, take a moment to evaluate your environment. Are you in position for a successful ride?

People are Naturally Creative, Resourceful and Whole

Henry‘s fabulous post in late March inspired me to dig into the Co-Active Coaching Model a bit and write my own few riffs about the depth and resonance I find. I was excited to read the article series, written by several different CTI leaders, expanding on the Co-Active Coaching Cornerstones. I love what‘s being said and wanted to add a bit from my own perspective. So for the past two weeks, I‘ve been taking a little trip around the Co-active cornerstones, finishing here with NCRW.

Holding people as naturally creative, resourceful and whole isn‘t just a concept. It‘s a stance, an orientation, a PERSPECTIVE if you will towards people in general. It‘s a way of relating that is incredibly powerful and empowering.

I remember coming across the idea someplace that we humans hold each other “backwards”. We tend to INTERACT with the junk, with the “stuff” of each other and hold SPACE for each other‘s magnificence and beauty. What shifts in our interactions when we INTERACT with each other‘s magnificence and hold space for all the junk?

When we led coaching courses in a Denver prison, we really committed to holding each of those participants as naturally creative, resourceful and whole.

This was not being a “pollyanna” or naïve and idealistic. I know that those men had broken the law and that some of them had done very bad things. That wasn‘t what we were interested in though. We were excited about engaging with the part of these men that was absolutely naturally creative, resourceful and whole. You know what? That‘s who came to play. It was completely clear to us that these men were beautiful and whole, possessing huge creativity and worthy of our respect. They turned towards this like sunflowers to the sun and for whatever container we could hold around each course, in the midst of the clanging and de-humanization of prison life, we were all graced with beauty, intimacy and love.

These men taught me so much about dignity, respect and love and absolutely about what it meant to hold both ourselves and each other as naturally creative, resourceful and whole. I‘ll be forever grateful to this group of precious human beings and to all that I learned during our time together?

What do you realize about holding people (especially yourself!) as naturally creative, resourceful and whole?
KKH

The Client‘s Whole Life

Our public education system was birthed at the dawn of the Industrial Revolution. We needed to train people to compartmentalize themselves, to do one thing over and over again with accuracy and precision.

So, much of our current educational processes are based on compartmentalization; creating distinctions between this and that. There is much emphasis placed on the PARTS of something and not so much reaching to integrate the whole.

Western medicine falls into this same trap. We have an amazing understanding of the components of the human body. Western medicine is truly gifted at fixing our PARTS and yet, at a core level fails to grasp both the mystery and the importance of the whole.

Human beings are more than just a collection of parts and we must approach working with people in ways that are holistic and integrated.

Even in coaching there is such a rush to “specialize”. We often get the question at CTI: do you train Career Coaches or Executive Coaches or Education Coaches?

I understand the importance of specialization in any practice. It helps us identify ourselves in the market place and provides a focus for the development of tools that speak to specific audiences. Hooray for that.

That said, at its core, Co-Active Coaching understands that we are always working with the WHOLE of a person, whether we are working with them at work or at home and whether we are working on their career or their parenting.

It‘s an illusion that we can separate or isolate one part of a person‘s life and work with that only. Each part is irrevocably connected to the other parts in a fluid and ever changing constellation of emotion, desire, experience and understanding.
KKH

Dancing in the Moment

Dancing in the Moment centers around flexibility and openness. We get so concerned, us human beings, that we will be caught unprepared or without the all mighty answer.

It‘s my experience that life is one big “dance in the moment”, a co-active, co-creative dance with all of life. Every single experience is an opportunity to co-create, to grow, to evolve. With dancing in the moment, life (and coaching) becomes a great adventure because our arms are opened wide to the FULL range of human experience rather than letting in those experiences we think are “good” and trying to shut out those experiences we think are “bad”.

Change is a constant in life and the rate of change is rapidly accelerating in today‘s world. I don‘t see things slowing down any time soon. I think the flexibility to navigate, to “dance” with an ever changing landscape, will continue to be a key factor for success.

What is it to take a deep breath and let go, surrendering to the magic of the dance in both our lives and our coaching? We are so conditioned to KNOW. To have the answer. And yet most of the magic of life lies beyond the known and the predictable.

I love the famous quote from Albert Einstein, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

Yep. We need to move beyond what we know and dance in the moment in order to truly arrive at new solutions.
KKH

Holding the Client‘s Agenda

Sometimes this cornerstone can be misinterpreted as “following the client around”…understandable, and quite misses the heart of the intent.

This cornerstone rests firmly on the assumption that people are yearning to contribute, grow, evolve and change. We believe that whatever their walk of life, people strive to evolve into more expansive, aware and integrated ways of being in the world.

The client's agenda is full of possibilities.

As coaches, THIS is the agenda that we are holding with commitment and with rigor. It‘s easy for us human beings to forget the majesty of who we care for. Gee, I do it often.  :-)

That‘s part of the magic of Co-Active Coaching. . .to partner with someone who holds fast to the most expanding view possible of WHO the client is and WHAT they are capable of.

Over the years, I‘ve seen people do the most amazing things and have, myself done many things that I previously believed were quite impossible. To quote the White Queen from Alice in Wonderland (that most august of references).

“Why, sometimes I‘ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

That would be a great practice, actually. How many impossible things do you think you could believe in before breakfast?
KKH

Wind

The wind is blowing wildly this morning at Dillon Beach, tossing the tree branches about and chasing away the fog.

There is something about intense wind that I find mildly irritating.  I want it to stop already, to calm down now and relax.   I find myself wanting to get OUT of it, AWAY from it.  I get a little bugged by the relentlessness of wind. ..blowing dust or sand in my eyes, messing up my hair and creating a general sense of chaos and unrest.

Now what is THAT about, I wonder.  I mean wind is just . . ..wind.  It does it‘s wind thing with no mind to me (or much of anything else for that matter).

I can‘t help but laugh a little.  I‘ve spent most of a career learning about and teaching about embracing chaos and yet one on my circle  still wants to manage the wind.  I find that simultaneously endearing and absurd.

It‘s a great metaphor for the persistent pull to the illusion that I/we are in control.  It‘s always there, that illusion, just to the side of things.   Sometimes  I‘m bopping along in life and discover that it has taken over again and once again, I must formally fire myself from the illusion that I am the manager of the universe.

I write this post with good humor and compassion for myself and for us all.  It is such a wild ride, this journey toward consciousness as a human being.  It‘s sort of like. . .well, it‘s sort of like the WIND, isn‘t it?