The Cliff Hanger of Humanity

Outside my office window, the August sun is setting. It has been hot today here in San Rafael today and the dipping of the brilliant sun below the horizon brings surcease from the heat and a particular kind of peace.

I’m struck by the unfolding of life all around me. As I look out over the hills, I see a story of beauty, wholeness and integration. Included in that are places of strife, of birth and death and struggle. It feels to me as if the great hoop of life unfolding before me can hold all of that and more.

There are hard things happening in the world at this time. Oil spills and floods. War and famine. Melting ice caps and shrinking resources. Sometimes our future can seem somewhat bleak.

For my part, however, I believe that all of these events are signals that we are in the midst of an unprecedented transformative leap into something that we cannot know and can only dream about. In his fabulous book “Blessed Unrest” Paul Hawken makes a solid case for the way in which things must fall apart before they can fall together in a new way. This is the nature of evolution, of transformation. The elements of something become so disoriented, so disorganized that they cannot find their way back to “normal” and so must come together in a new construct.

Life on this planet feels that way to me at present. It feels like the latter chapters of a really, GREAT thriller. Will the hero or heroine prevail? Will Good win out over Evil? It’s a real cliff hanger, this unfolding story of human kind! So, while all of this falling apart can be somewhat. . .ah. . .disconcerting it is certainly interesting and stimulating. I’m grateful that I get to participate and hopefully contribute.

I’m reminded of a line from one of my favorite songs. . .I don’t know the author. “While there’s darkness cast around us, it’s Love that wrote the play”.

I do believe that. I believe that whatever the question, love is ultimately the answer. And I’m wildly curious to see how that plays out over the coming days, weeks, months, years. I have no idea what the future will look like and I trust that it will be fascinating beyond our ability to imagine. What do you think?
KKH

Impeccability—Our Natural State of Being

As a course leader for The Coaches Training Institute, Sam House travels globally to train individuals in the Co-active Leadership Model and the Co-active Coaching Model. As co-founder of Polarity Pathways, Sam coaches people and offers workshops emphasizing conscious awareness of emerging polarities in all situations. Sam is a Master Certified Coach and engages executives, professionals, and teams in the process of creating richness and meaning while reaching excellence.

I was speaking with my wife, Heather, recently and our conversation drifted to the notion of Impeccability. In our relationship of almost 27 years, we have had times when we have enjoyed the fruits of being impeccable—to ourselves, to each other, and to the relationship. During those times of high impeccability, whether in moments of smooth sailing or great challenge, we have come through robustly and intact. We have also had times where we have been decidedly NOT impeccable. The costs to each of us and to our relationship have been much greater during times of low impeccability.

What does it mean to BE impeccable? Impeccability is a state of being and not a state of doing. “Be impeccable with your word.” This is the first agreement in the important book “The Four Agreements”, by Don Miguel Ruiz. The teachers I am currently studying with, in the high desert of New Mexico, go further. Their teaching goes: “Be impeccable in thought, word, AND deed.” Thought precedes the language of words; our words come before our actions. But it always begins with a thought.

As a state of being, impeccability is something that is already always there. To “BE” means to exist. The existence—and therefore the availability—of a state of impeccability is readily at hand. It is ever present and always in place. Hence, there is no action that is needed to MAKE impeccability happen.

When I am grounded in impeccability, I find it easy to keep my word. There is a natural flow and a beautiful congruence between my thoughts, words, and actions. I notice that my inner judge, or saboteur, is quiet when I stand in true impeccability.

And yet, my inner judge may attempt to APPEAR in the guise of impeccability, saying for example, “If you had more self-discipline, Sam, you would be more impeccable. You wouldn’t be late, you would be exercising and eating better, and your place would look perfect!” Now, while this statement may at times be true, since it does not come from a life-affirming place, it does not represent impeccability. Instead, the statement is life diminishing. Its intention is to bring me down and instill a sense that I am wrong, or bad. I am struck by how often we experience this voice, often disguised as a voice of impeccability.

As humans, we are different from other animals, trees, stones, water, etc. We are imbued with a CONSCIOUS mind—an ego—and our minds’ own WILL to think, feel, and do things that are either life affirming or life diminishing. Whether life affirming or life diminishing, we use our will to CHOOSE. A rabbit does not say, “I choose to run away from that fox.” It just runs. A tree does not say, “Today, I choose to accept rain through my roots and leaves.” It just does. There is a natural, life-affirming way of being in these examples. Life unfolds naturally and effortlessly. This natural way of being is what it means to be impeccable.

As humans, we often choose a thought that does not serve the highest good of the person; we speak words that diminish the well being of the self or others. And we engage in actions that do not—as opposed to the tree that unhesitatingly grows towards the sun—naturally serve our best interests. We have not accessed a state of impeccability.

I believe that our biggest task as humans is to employ our WILL—over and over—to be, like the trees and the animals, impeccable. Since this is a state that is always present, always available to us, we need only remember to pay attention to this state of being. Remembering is key. There is nothing complicated that must be worked on in order to someday arrive at a place of impeccability. It is available to us right now.

How do we remember?

To me, the key is to awaken to, and ask, the following question 100 or 1000 different ways: “Is this life affirming or is it life diminishing?” Is this thought that I am having life affirming or life diminishing? Are my words life affirming or life diminishing? Is this action that I am taking life affirming or life diminishing? This question is like a needle, which always points to True North on the compass of our lives. It is a structure that easily reminds us of what is most important. From there, impeccability becomes a naturally realized state.

The ‘Coactive’ Mystery

As a course leader for The Coaches Training Institute, Sam House travels globally to train individuals in the Co-active Leadership Model and the Co-active Coaching Model. As co-founder of Polarity Pathways, Sam coaches people and offers workshops emphasizing conscious awareness of emerging polarities in all situations. Sam is a Master Certified Coach and engages executives, professionals, and teams in the process of creating richness and meaning while reaching excellence.

Did you know that there is no formal definition of the word ‘coactive’? This is true, despite the fact that the coactive approach shapes a huge part of the coaching field and a growing part of the leadership development field.

Sometimes when I hear the term “coactive” used in conversation I cringe to think that people are using a term—often with an air of authority—which has no formal definition. Here is an example: “I can’t believe you made that decision without considering me (or, all of us). That is NOT very coactive!” This statement assumes there is mutual agreement about what this term means. It further suggests that one is in violation of its intent, even though no definition exists! As in the instance above, we sometimes use this term as a weapon to prove how much more ‘coactive’ we are than others, or as a battle scar to show how we have been mistreated by our peers who failed to follow the rules of coactivity.

Personally, I love the question “What does it mean to be coactive—as a coach, as a leader, as a human being?” I like the question much more than any narrow answer that would result in a clearer definition. There is a mystery here and I am more interested in EXPLORING the territory of what it means to be coactive than I am in KNOWING the territory of what it means to be coactive. Exploring keeps me open and present, while believing I know something can shut me down to learning more.

Along the coactive trail, I’ll bet we’d all agree that being coactive means that I am engaged with ‘other’, that I am not in isolation, figuring out life alone. The engagement with ‘other’ gives me a wider perspective and a richer opportunity to create solutions in my world, instead of thinking I have to face my world alone and make things happen myself. Perhaps most of us would agree with this much. After that, the trail may split off into different and smaller pathways which further explain what ‘coactive’ is, but about which we may not all agree.

Here are some pathways in the territory of the ‘coactive’ world that I am exploring. You may or may not agree with them:

1. A coactive world is one where we are all deeply curious.
2. It is a world where we understand and appreciate that we are human beings and not human doings.
3. It is a world where we listen carefully to what is said, but where we also become skillful at reading the energetic—or the emotional—field between us and all around us.
4. We appreciate the vital role of the heart, expressed through our ability to experience empathy and to deeply acknowledge another.
5. Seeking agreement with another is not as important as identifying where we can find alignment with each other. There is more respect, versatility and freedom for all involved when we are seeking alignment.
6.  ‘Coactive’ does not mean everyone is equal in every situation. Rank and privilege is an important quality of every complex organization, be it a family, a non-profit, a corporation, or a government. There’s no getting around it: functioning organizations need some kind of hierarchical structure. Having said that, a coactive culture is one with much more flexibility and creativity than either a rigid and stratified hierarchical culture or a flat, purely consensus-oriented culture that lacks the ability to make decisions and move forward efficiently.

Here’s my invitation to you: Throw out any current definition of “coactive” that you might be carrying and become an explorer of this notion instead. Now, use your imagination, your intuition, and your experience of this term to inform how YOU can create a meaningful ‘coactive’ relationship with the world!

Misery or Adventure? Creating New Realities One Puddle at a Time

As a course leader for The Coaches Training Institute, Sam House travels globally to train individuals in the Co-active Leadership Model and the Co-active Coaching Model. As co-founder of Polarity Pathways, Sam coaches people and offers workshops emphasizing conscious awareness of emerging polarities in all situations. Sam is a Master Certified Coach and engages executives, professionals, and teams in the process of creating richness and meaning while reaching excellence.

After many years of yo-yo’ing on the fitness/fatness seesaw, I am becoming more consistent in my practice of nutrition and fitness. (We’ll see whether this new approach lasts, but there is a shift occurring that is allowing me to move towards a healthier and trimmer body for the long run.) To that end—and in an effort to reduce my carbon footprint—on Monday I rode my bicycle five short miles to attend a business meeting in the next town. It was a nice hot late summer afternoon and it felt good to ride instead of drive.

During the meeting, it began to rain gently. By meeting’s end, it was dark and raining quite heavily. Upon stepping outside and seeing the rain coming down, my first thought was, “Oh my, this sucks! I don’t want to ride home in the dark AND the rain!”

Other attendees of the meeting, aware of my situation, offered to give me a ride or expressed how sorry they felt for me. There was a voice within—buoyed by the voices without—that felt quite justified in feeling miserable, upset and put upon that I would have to ride my bike home in the dark, while getting thoroughly soaked by the pelting rain. This familiar place belonged to old hero, victim, and martyr voices within, all wrapped up in one. “Well then”, this voice said, “I’ll just have to suck it up and ride my bike home in the rain, dammit!” It would give me another story to add to a long list of similar stories about how hard and miserable and difficult my day—no, my life!—has been.

But wait, I thought, I have a choice in this matter!

Drawing from lessons learned in the ever-present dance of polarities, I quickly found a new “reality” to inhabit and experience as I rode home. While I no longer needed to consciously go through the polarity process that I describe below because it happens quite automatically now, I want to break down the process of shifting this reality, for the benefit of perhaps serving you in your life.

Here’s the polarity: Pole #1 says “Riding home in the rain sucks! That’s the truth. It IS the reality.” Hmmm. What might be another “reality”, represented by another pole in the polarity? Introducing Pole #2: “Wow, on a hot summer’s night, I get to be cooled by a rain shower as I head home. I also get to experience my boyish nature and enjoy being thoroughly soaked as I look for every puddle to ride my bike through. I get to ride as an 8 year old!”

Each of these poles has an upside and a downside. The downside of Pole #1 is related to the victim-like misery of riding home in the rain. What is its upside? Let’s call it caution. Pole #1, in the best sense, is concerned for my well-being and wants me to take care of myself so that I don’t encounter misery or, god forbid, have an accident. The upside of Pole #2 is: messy, wet adventure. The downside: carelessness and a disregard for safety.

Upsides talk to each other: When the cautious voice of Pole #1 and the adventurous voice of Pole #2 weave together their points of view, what emerges is a beautiful Third Way: “I get to ride home with the adventure and abandon of an 8-year old, while making sure to be safe at every moment. Yay!”

May we all learn to create new, life-affirming realities from situations that otherwise have us feel mired, stuck or…miserably wet!

Polarity, Wholeness, and the Breath of Life

As a course leader for The Coaches Training Institute, Sam House travels globally to train individuals in the Co-active Leadership Model and the Co-active Coaching Model. Co-founder of Polarity Pathways, Sam coaches people and offers workshops emphasizing conscious awareness of emerging polarities in all situations. Sam holds a Master’s Degree in Clinical Social Work and has served as a psychotherapist and administrator in numerous clinical settings.

Hello coaches and leaders! I’m honored to be blogging in Karen’s absence for the next two weeks.

On Wednesday, August 4, 2010, my beloved pooch Jasper died. He exhaled for the last time at 5:25 am. My wife, Heather, and I spent his final night with him on the floor of the family cottage, on a small remote island in Georgian Bay, Ontario. It was his favorite place in the whole world. The joyous puppy always came out in him when in this remarkable place of beauty, even in this 12th year of his magnificent life.

We nearly lost him on the 12-hour car ride from upstate New York to Parry Sound, Ontario. His energy was depleted; he needed to be picked up and put into the car; his breathing was labored.

To our amazement, once upon the island, he revived. He began to walk again, to eat some specially-prepared meals, and even—on his last day—run around the island, barking in his protective and loving way, while watching over swimmers and water-skiers, just like early days.

Over the course of that final night, Jasper’s breathing became quite labored and he struggled to be comfortable. Heather and I stroked him, assuring him that all was well. We tearfully and joyfully shared with him our Jasper memories. There was a magical moment when he simply quit struggling and let go—in a diminishing series of exhales, starting with a big ‘harrumph!’—each one getting smaller and fainter, until the final release of breath was nothing more than a wisp. And he was gone.

I have thought a great deal about that final breath. Witnessing Jasper’s final breath was the witnessing of a bookend of life. He exhaled. It was over. The body was still. In my view, the life force within him—the spirit that was Jasper—had left his body to join with the remarkable life force that surrounds us and moves through us and with us all, all of the time.

I began to think, in a whole new way, about the very first moment of life in this physical form. It always begins with an inhale of air. It is, in fact, the other bookend. Between the first inhale and the final exhale of air, a whole life happens. Love and Hatred, Joy and Despair, Success and Failure, Marriage and Divorce, Creativity and Destruction. All of this happens in the creative dance that occurs between the first inhale of breath and the final exhale of breath.

If we look closely, our lives actually happen in the totality of each and every inhale and exhale. We are fully alive, in this moment…and this moment…because of the combined wholeness of the in-breath and the out-breath. Imagine, for a moment, if we favored the in-breath over the out-breath, as if it were more important! How ridiculous! We need them both—dancing creatively with each other—for life itself to occur.

And yet, we so often live our lives attached to only one side of a “reality”, thinking that by so doing, we have picked the “right” way to live. We bounce between chosen realities, thinking that the next one will satisfy us. Instead, the invitation—no, the necessity—is for us to embrace the whole: the good and the bad, the dark and the light, the in-breath and the out-breath.

For, as Jasper’s first and final breaths so poignantly remind us, Life happens when embracing the totality of it all. As coaches and leaders, may we remember this valuable lesson…with this breath.

A Graceful Goodbye

A friend of mine is dying. He’s doing such a great job of it. . .he is keeping a blog and each post is woven with such authenticity, grace, and wisdom.

Over the past 5 years or so, I’ve experienced several different deaths and each one has been so very different. Each one has been a small gem of authentic expression and as unique as the particular individual. Death is so personal and it is a path that we travel hopefully with good company and surrounded by love. . .and also, ultimately, alone. There must be this place in between the letting go and the opening to what is coming that is truly terrifying.

How will I die when my time comes I wonder? Not what will happen, though of course I think about that too. Of course I hope for a painless death and a quick one, and one that takes place a long time from today. It would be hard, I imagine, to say goodbye to this beautiful life, filled with passion and challenge and experience and amazing people that I love wholeheartedly.

Whenever the timing, I hope I will be grounded in my Self and able to be conscious about my passing. I hope I will remain present to the experience and curious about the process. Of course I will be transformed by this process. . .for isn’t death the ultimate transformation. I hope that I will be in such a way that I serve the others in my life and that they are nourished and served, grown and transformed in the process of my dying. I do so want to contribute, both in life and in death. Actually, I believe that’s what every human wants at their core. . .to know that they have made a difference and that their life has mattered.

As always, conversations about death bring me fully present to the precious gift of LIFE. I’m writing this post in the early morning as the fog curls it’s way down to the vast, rolling ocean. What a view! May I be fully present today. May I savor every passing moment, be it filled with belly aching laughter or heartbreak or disappointment or everything in between. May I be present to what IS rather than wanting what IS NOT. As Mary Oliver says so beautifully in her poem below, may I be a bride married to amazement. Isn’t that an incredible line? Yes, today and every day, may I be a bride married to amazement!

I’m also reminded that each day provides an opportunity for a part of me to die. What wants to die today so that something larger, something more real or true can be born in it’s place. What limiting belief, what life constricting practice is ready to be released? What story from the past is boxing me in, keeping me from my beloved, Amazement? May I see these things and lovingly, like a mother to a child, put them to bed to sleep the eternal sleep of death.

What wants to die in you today? What wants to be birthed?
KKH

When Death Comes
by Mary Oliver

 When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea, and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth, tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something precious to the earth.

When it’s over, I want to say all my life I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.