Water the Fruit Trees, Not the Thorns

We are the authors of our life story. Over the past few weeks, I’ve had the chance to see this notion in action. I’ve watched people courageously step beyond an old story and into a whole new dimension of possibility.

I’ve also watched people with incredible commitment and determination, insist on the continuation of a story that they have outgrown and that clearly no longer works for them. What is it, I wonder, that makes it so incredibly challenging to let go of old, limiting beliefs and open up to a new version of ourselves.

When I was much younger, I had a terribly distorted body image. No matter what other people said, I was sure that I was heavy and ungainly. That is even what I SAW when I looked into the mirror. Finally I made my way to a class on body image. One at a time, each woman stood in front of a mirror and told the group what she saw. Then the group fed back information about what they say in the mirror.

I remember being shocked at the vast discrepancy between what these women saw when they looked at themselves in the mirror and what I saw. At times, it was as if we were looking at two completely different images. When it came my turn, I was once again surprised at the discrepancy between what I saw and what others saw. Except this time, the roles were reversed. I was the one standing in front of the mirror. As I heard the words of others, my image of myself began to shift.

This is the gift of Co-Active coaching. To hold up a mirror and reflect back our client’s brilliance, uniqueness and light so that they can come to see it, can begin to write a new story about themselves and their lives.

Still it is a choice. I’ve had clients who fiercely defended their old, painful story, who insisted that I did not know what I was talking about: they WERE, in fact, a terrible parent, a lousy manager, a worthless person. As a coach, all one can do is continue to shine the light on the magnificence that we see, and continue to interact with that magnificence while at the same time, holding a big space for all the rest.

Here is a beautiful poem by Rumi called “A Fresh Basket of Bread” which I like to read at the Co-Active Leadership Program.
KKH

A Fresh Basket of Bread

The mystery of spiritual emptiness
may be living in a pilgrim’s heart, and yet
the knowing of it may not be his.

Wait for the illuminating openness,
as though your chest were filling with Light,
as when God said,
Did we not expand you?

Don’t look for it outside yourself.
You are the source of milk. Don’t milk others!

There is a milk-fountain inside you.
Don’t walk around with an empty bucket.

You have a channel into the Ocean, and yet
you ask for water from a little pool.

Beg for that love-expansion. Meditate only on THAT.

There is a basket of fresh bread on your head,
and yet you go door to door asking for crusts.

Knock on your inner door. No other.
Sloshing kneedeep in fresh riverwater, yet
you keep wanting a drink from other people’s water bags.

Water is everywhere around you, but you only see
barriers that keep you from water.

Mad with thirst, he can’t drink from the stream
running so close by his face. He’s like a pearl
on the deep bottom, wondering, inside his shell,
“Where’s the Ocean?”

Your mental questionings form the barrier.
Your physical eyesight bandages your knowing.
Self-consciousness plugs your ears.
Stay bewildered in God, and only that.

Those of you who are scattered, simplify your
worrying lives. There is one righteousness:
Water the fruit trees, and not the thorns.
Be generous to what nurtures the Spirit and God’s
luminous reason-light. Don’t honor what causes
dysentery and knotted-up tumors.

Don’t feed both sides of yourself equally.
The spirit and the body carry different loads
and require different attentions.

Too often we put saddlebags on Jesus and let
the donkey run loose in the pasture.
Don’t make the body do what the spirit does
best, and don’t put a big load on the spirit that the
body could carry easily.
–RUMI

TV Called Me and I Answered

Clint Griess CPCC chronicles his journey to create a TV show on coaching

Not long after I appeared on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” in 2007, I received another, completely unrelated inquiry from BBC3 in the UK to coach on television. “We’re doing a reality show about people coming out of the closet with the help of a life coach. Would you considerer being our coach?” That was the second time in a year – through no effort of my own – that I was asked to be on TV as a coach. I was starting to think the universe was trying to tell me something.

Coach Clint Griess and client Tyco on TV pilot, "Help Me Out"

Having been a self-employed Co-Active Coach and serving clients one-on-one for many years, I knew it was time for me to take my career to the next level and expand my reach to a much greater audience. Well, I agreed and soon after the Development Department at BBC3 finalized our show concept, the whole of British-run television was hit with massive lay-offs and budget cuts. That ended any further conversations. After some soul-searching, I determined I would produce the show right here in my own country!

I didn’t know anything about TV production, but that didn’t stop me. I gathered a small group of people I had met along the way that had anything to do with TV and we discussed a variety of format options for presenting the power of coaching. We settled on the coming-out concept because it was narrow enough to make it easy to pitch while providing a broad vehicle for coaching a cross-section of people in a variety of situations.

What an adventure it was! With the help of volunteers, we began casting for subjects and settled on a bright university senior and football player at MIT. Trust me, looking for people to coach on camera who have spent their lives trying to hide was no small task. I talked to many people living in the closet, and Tyco was by far the most motivated.

The realities and challenges of production were now my greatest concern. How to do this? When my then-partner and TV producer dropped out two weeks before we were to shoot Tyco coming out to his father and fraternity brothers, I used all the resourcefulness I could muster to find a camera crew and finance a two-day, non-stop shoot. On top of my responsibilities as the lead talent on the show whose job was to coach one brave young man, I was also now the producer.

Today, I acknowledge the CTI Leadership program for preparing me for such an undertaking. Imagine coaching someone on such an emotionally charged topic while managing to lead the entire shoot at the same time! My training with CTI gave me spatial awareness, presence of mind and the ability to handle multiple demands at once.

I’m very proud of what I accomplished. I have a 6.5-minute mini-pilot for “Help Me Out”, a reality show about people coming out of the closet with the help of a coach. It has touched thousands of lives already, and you can watch it here.

In the year since I produced this reel, I have been challenged again to market and sell the show. I have partnered with two reality show producers who have the connections and resources to take the show to market. We have succeeded in directly pitching to Bravo!, Logo, and OWN. They have all declined the show for various reasons, but I continue to share the possibility of the show, the difference it will make for many people, and the need today for people to witness the power of coaching on TV.

I understand how improbable it seems: A gay coach in San Francisco, starting from scratch, could one day be on TV helping millions of people transform the way they look at a very important social issue. It has taken a fair amount of gumption and plenty of faith, but when the universe calls your name, you must answer. I’m thrilled to be a part of something bigger than me – something I don’t really understand – and to be fully present for the ride.

Osama bin Laden and the Co-Active Way

I was traveling in Europe when the news came about Osama Bin Laden’s death.  A number of people asked for my perspective which sparked some interesting conversations.  What is the “Co-Active” view of Osama bin Laden’s killing?

I find the news and the ensuing media frenzy deeply unsettling.  I’m enough of a realist to know that bin Laden had to go. It’s not so much the act that disturbs me, but the heart and the energy surrounding it. It’s a terrible thing to take a human life under any circumstances and I don’t believe it is a cause for celebration.

Terrorism is an ugly and challenging aspect of today’s world.  It churns up deep feelings of resentment, anger and powerlessness. That said, I feel that the way forward must point towards a larger and more spacious stand and vision. If we just respond in kind to whatever comes toward us, it will be impossible to evolve and grow. If we meet hate with hate, we will grow hate. If we meet anger with anger, we will grow anger. It is only when we can include and transcend that we as a species can evolve and grow.  This quote from the brilliant Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. speaks so eloquently to this:

“Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

At an essence level, The Co-Active Way orients from an understanding that everything unfolds in relationship.  All of life is co-created as are all of the situations that we face in life, collectively and individually.

This doesn’t mean that in order to be Co-Active we should just roll over and tolerate invasion of our personal and collective domains.  It does imply, however, that there is shared responsibility in all events.

9/11 was a heartbreaking event in human history. I grieve the unconscionable loss of life, beauty and innocence that befell our world that day. I visited New York shortly afterwards and the photos of loved ones were posted everywhere. “Have you seen my daughter/son/brother/husband/wife/father?” It was so incredibly sad. That said, the death of one man cannot correct or erase that immeasurable loss. There is no changing what has happened. There is only our ability to learn, grow and change. The more tragic the events of our lives, the greater the opportunity to grow.

On the day the Twin Towers came down, the media displayed an outpouring of love and support for America from around the world. But I was horrified to see news footage of people, supposedly our enemies in Arab nations, dancing in the streets. How is our celebration of bin Laden’s death any different?

I understand that bin Laden must be held accountable for his crimes. However, he did not just spring forth without reason or cause. The conditions that fostered the birth of Al Qaeda were co-created. Terrorism can never be stamped out by more violence.  It’s like trying to cut off the heads of Hydra – when removed, several more grow in their place.

Our only hope is to heal the conditions that teach people to hate and foster terrorism. I believe with such conviction that the skills we teach in our Co-Active Coach Training and Leadership Program have the power to transform intractable conflict and deeply challenged relationships. If we can spread our work to an even wider audience, the power and resonance of the Co-Active Way will begin to unravel the deep pain and sense of isolation that permeates so much of our world today. As we learn to work together, we will be able to resolve the challenges that we face. We don’t have to know how, we only need to believe that together we can find our way to healing. As CEO, I am committed to this mission.

KKH

We know that this is a hot topic in today’s world and would love to hear your perspectives on this event and this post.

Stepping into Leadership

What combination of characteristics comes together inside of a person to result in a leader? Several key attributes might not be ones you automatically associate with leaders.

Audio notes from Karen Kimsey-House. Runtime: 3:26 minutes

Failure

In my experience, there are two things that are guaranteed to kill aliveness, authenticity, creativity and innovation: Looking good and Getting it right.

From the time we learn to walk and talk, we are trained to look good and get it right. In school and even as little children, we are taught to be clean and tidy with our shirt tail tucked in and all of our bodily fluids where they belong, which is most definitely out of sight.

We strive to be slim, fit, firm, flexible and fashionable. We want to make sure we both fit in AND stand out. . . or that we stand out but not too much. It’s quite a challenge to hit the bull’s eye defined by a peculiar balance between fading into the wall and standing out so much that we are labeled odd or different.

We most definitely DON’T want to look foolish, stupid or worst of all, uncool.

Paramount to looking good is getting it right. We are carefully taught that there is ONE answer to just about every question. We either have it right or wrong and if it is the latter, Heaven help us. When we do get it wrong, we go to great pains to make it clear that we didn’t FAIL really, we were just “creating another learning opportunity.”

When we fail, we are afraid that we ARE a failure. No wonder people don’t like to fail and go to great lengths to avoid it, often spending lots of time trying to figure things out before trying something new.

Most of the time, however, learning and true success comes only with extensive experimentation and failure. Trying to avoid failure in our minds seldom works because things rarely go according to plan and the best learning comes when we are forced to improvise.  It’s true that we learn a great deal from our failures, however we learn more if we fully experience the failure first.

At CTI we encourage students to experiment, try new things and, of course, fail. We encourage them to celebrate failure because we know that if they can step beyond that need to get it right and the fear of failure they will be free to try new things, to experiment, improvise and evolve into a dynamic and extraordinary coach rather than one who plays by all the rules.

When something is as chaotic and messy as failure, it helps to break it down a little so I’ve created five stages in celebrating failure. Each step is important and adds to the value overall.

Stage One: Resistance. In this stage, one attempt to prevent failure, to hold it together, to cover it over, to pretend that whatever “it” is, “it” didn’t happen. There is embarrassment at this stage and generally a desire to fix “it” before anyone notices.

Stage Two: Acceptance. In this stage, there is surrender to what is and an acceptance of what is unfolding. One might ask for help at this stage. There is vulnerability, connection and relationship.

Stage Three: I’m not sure what to call this stage. Time? Healing? I just know that, especially for really big failures some time needs to pass before one is ready to look at learning. This is the pause, the breath,  the place of being.

Stage Four: Learning. After some time has passed (sometimes a little, sometimes a lot) it’s time for debrief and learning. What didn’t work? Where was I blind? What’s the new information to incorporate?

Stage Five: Transformation. As the new information is integrated, transformation occurs.

These stages can unfold over a matter of seconds or a matter of months. In order to truly celebrate failure, we must embrace and celebrate all of the stages.

My husband Henry loves a quote from Winston Churchill “Power or Success is moving rapidly from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” I love the energy and inspiration of this quote, and I think it is also important to take a little time with each failure so that one can learn and incorporate the new information.

With respect to Mr. Churchill I might shift the comment a little. From my perspective, success is moving consciously from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. In this way, the learning from each failure can be integrated and incorporated into the next attempt.
KKH

Our Virtual World

I’m on an airplane headed towards Oslo, Norway. Then I’ll travel on to Manchester, UK, London, Warsaw, Poland and then back home again. Air travel lost its sheen many years ago; however I don’t mind it much as it gives me the opportunity to be with people in person.

I love our virtual world. Facebook and LinkedIn connect me to people all around the world and the Internet highway allows me to maintain relationships with people that I have never met face to face. Still, there is nothing that beats “being there” and I’m looking forward to seeing old friends and meeting new ones in a variety of different countries and cultures.

When I was in Junior High School my military father was stationed in Rein Mein, Germany. We wrote airmail letters to the folks back home mailed in special envelopes. . .blue, I think and marked “airmail”. I don’t recall the cost of mailing an airmail letter, maybe 10 cents? A telephone call was out of the question. Email did not exist. So I wrote long letters to my Grandpa and relished reading his.

It took two days to fly back to the States because we had to stop somewhere (Panama perhaps) to refuel. I recall that Coca-Cola had gone up from 10 cents to 15 cents a bottle and I was outraged. What WAS my country coming to??

When I started coaching in 1988, it was radical to think of working with clients over the telephone. All prior business was transacted face to face and the idea of working with someone over the phone was strange and odd.

Now we have meetings with people all around the world, not only over the telephone but visually on Skype, IChat, etc.

Now in the arc of a 24 hour day, I can pretty much span the globe. With the push of a button, I can communicate with hundreds and even thousands of people all around the world. Are we more connected because of all this technology?

I think we are in some ways. However in many ways our new technological acumen keeps us separate, locked in our own virtual world. When I go out to dinner these days, it’s commonplace to see a couple sitting across from each other, texting (which, by the way, is not recognized as a word yet by my spell check). I wonder who they are talking to and hope that it is not each other.

In a recent visit from family, my car was filled with lively conversation. As soon as my car entered cell range, the conversation died and the car became quiet except for the clatter of keys and the beep of messages being sent and received.

Yes, we can communicate with MORE people. . .that’s cool. But what is the depth of the conversation. I find it quite challenging to say anything really meaningful in—what is it—72? characters or less.

Perhaps I am just now officially a member of “the older generation,” but I don’t want things to go “back to the way they were.” I appreciate virtual tools and find it important to remember that they are just that. Tools.

It’s great that we have instantaneous communication and important to remain clear about when it is useful to communicate instantaneously and what situations might benefit from more in-depth conversation.

I recently discovered from my friend Paul Byrne that the root of communication is “to turn toward each other.” It takes consciousness and discipline to choose the tool that will bring us the most “turning toward each other” possible.
KKH